1. Sally Mann
“Proud Flesh”
September 15 – October 31
Gagosian Gallery
What?! I can’t believe Larry Gagosian’s wide net landed the Coolest/Creepiest Mom Ever. Like going to see Un chien andalou at the Broadway Multiplex. I almost lifted my Gagosian boycott when I found out the photos were all of a naked man named “Larry.” But alas, it wasn’t the proprietor – only the artist’s husband. I have a naked spouse at home so I decided to pass.
2. “Manzoni: A Retrospective”
January 24 – March 21
Gagosian Gallery
Manzoni is of course famous for canning his own shit, labeling it, and selling it at the fluctuating price of gold. While this man was obviously brilliant, I started focusing more on the price of gold – it’s really going up! Now, I only accept gold for services rendered. It took a great deal of haggling and coercion to get Paper Monument to pay me in gold for this piece, but we finally settled on a price of 1/8th of a gram per word. They said they would mail me “a few nuggets in a can” after the new year, whatever that means.
3. “Zero in New York: 1957 – 1966”
November 6 – December 20, 2008
Sperone Westwater
This show was technically in 2008, but it took me until 2009 to realize that I missed it. So I figured what the hell, let’s put it on the list at number 3. Besides, it seemed like not going to see the work in person would be a hard-line stance that the Zero group would appreciate – art shouldn’t be bound by things like “place” and “time,” right?
4. Maya Lin
“Recycled Landscapes”
September 24 – November 13
Salon 94
Ever since I was “terminated” from this “establishment” it has been difficult for me to swallow my pride and slink back there as an “invitee.” Plus, do you know how incredibly difficult it is to get to East 94th and Madison from Bushwick? Literally and metaphorically…
5. Josh Smith
“Currents”
February 14 – March 14
Luhring Augustine
Oh man, I used to really like this guy’s work! He just paints his name over and over again, which is such a “fuck you” to The Man. But then he started curating all of these shows around town and never once used my work – which is total B.S. It pissed me off to the point where I skipped his recent show (which weren’t even name-paintings, but some paintings of fish and flowers, I think) out of spite.
What’s that? Oops. I’ve just learned that the artist/curator, Joshua Smith, isn’t even the same guy as the painter, Josh Smith.
6. Peter Doig
“New Paintings”
January 17 – March 14
Gavin Brown’s Enterprise
Something is terribly wrong when I miss a show of my favorite painter at my favorite gallery. Am I really that busy? I did manage to win both my fantasy baseball and my fantasy football leagues this year. It could be time to start thinking about priorities.
7. Bernadette Corporation
“The Complete Poem”
September 17 – October 17
Greene Naftali Gallery
OK so I think this show was by a collective of artists who make art about their make-believe corporation and who have also written a book about the make-believe founder of another gallery – Reena Spaulings – which is a real gallery that shows completely different, real artists but is also the invention of this make-believe corporation. I’ve never been to a party with girls named Reena or Bernadette, but I can only imagine girls with those names shooting me dirty looks and dismissing me in some Alemannic dialect, so it definitely felt safer to stay home. I’ll take Tracey Emin any day of the week. Sure she’s a raunchy, hooched-up cougar, but at least you know she’s a real person.
8. Tracey Emin
“Only God Knows I’m Good”
November 5 – December 19
Lehmann Maupin
What can I say? I love me some Mad Men and it conflicted with this opening. For all I know this show is still up, but I’m really worried about Don and Betty at this point. How are they going to keep their marriage from falling apart???
9. “The Generational: Younger Than Jesus”
April 8 – July 12
The New Museum
The best is when someone recommends a group show to you that they haven’t actually seen, and then you don’t ever go yourself. The result is sort of like that bit about the blind men and the elephant. You’re left with benign sound bites like “some girl sleeping in the middle of the museum” or “no one that age even paints any more, it’s all digital.” Therefore the only mental picture I can conjure up for this show is Jesus doing a DJ set with his Mac laptop. Holla.
10. “Martin Kippenberger: The Problem Perspective”
March 1 – May 11
MoMA
I distinctly remember leaving to go see this show the same day our basement filled with 2 feet of water. I had to go back and deal with Roto-Rooter. What a nightmare. Do you know what those guys charge? Now I have to have get the basement completely re-painted, and on top of that the water bill from that month is outrageous, but do you think the City Water Department cares? Forget about it.